Saturday, February 13, 2016

If Spock Were More Blunt.

I've been told that I have a Spock-like ability to turn off my emotions. Some long-time friends say that I appear to be a "black widow but, secretly I'm a delicate butterfly". I think that may be closer to the truth than any other analogy. I compartmentalize... I have emotions but they are buried pretty deep - likely partly due to defense mechanisms - and I am not comfortable with emotions (mine or anyone else's).

The problem is that I've been broken and I developed into the person I am as a broken object. Yes.  Object.  So, I don't mean broken like "oh he broke up with me and my wee little heart hurts"... I mean broken like "fuck it all and I can't tell you how little of a rat's ass I give about me, you, or anything else" even if I didn't realize it was happening at that time. Sadly, I had the broken moment many, many moons ago. In the following 35 years or so I grew up. From time to time, I would meet someone that would make me want to feel. When that happened - when I met someone I wanted to feel for - my dumb ass (who is emotionally stunted from lack of emotional development) would dive in head first, arms and legs going as fast as they could to get from the shore of "unemotion" to the gorgeous beach of "love/feelings" on the other side. I realize that, logically, this may freak people out (I believe that 'normally emotional people' have some ability to pace themselves with relationship-based feelings) or that I took that plunge before I objectively analyzed the probable outcomes. It's with no small sense of irony that I began to understand my early-adopted trait was sort of self-destructive...

...not in the "emotions are healthy and one should learn to express and cope with them way".

No, quite the opposite.  The self-destructive aspects don't come from a lack of emotion, they come from those times when I try to actually have normal emotions.  I'm not built for it.  I don't know how to use them, how to moderate them, or when they are beneficial.  As a result, I find myself in situations where I've told myself it's acceptable to feel only to find out I willingly put myself in a dangerous place

I have learned the extent of my ability over the past couple of years - and I'd say that extent is scary to the average person.  The question is, now that I've realized that and understand the implications of both my own prior self-destructive willingness to allow emotions and the extent of my ability to flip the switch and turn emotions off... what do I do?  I believe this decision will have long-term and very widespread ramifications.

But perhaps an equally important question is: logically, it is a good idea to decide what to do when I'm in a "switch is currently in off position" mindset?  I'm trying to remain objective - to not let the "off" persuade or lull my objectivity - but this is difficult.  I've tried to care over the past decade and understanding that "people will always hurt you or let you down" is as solid a truth as "the only things that are certain are death and taxation".  Actually, it may be as solid as the laws of thermodynamics.  Knowing that doesn't make objectivity easy because it negates the desire to place value on the 'good feelings'.  It influences the predilection to identify that 'good feelings' are just as temporary as any other type of feelings... so giving value to 'good feelings' means I must also give value to neutrality and negativity and - the biggest bastard of them all - pain.

Yeah, there's logic for ya: throw weights on those and tell me what the objective smart choice is... I bet you'll come to the same conclusion that I'm coming to.

(I should likely note here that pets are immune to this ability by choice - I will allow emotion with my chosen because they are - other than when they die - incapable of hurting me emotionally.) 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Once upon a time in a land far, far away...

Ever get to the point where you just don't care about things anymore?  Where you throw your hands into the air, drop a few F-bombs, and make a conscious decision to walk away?  I've been at that point since July 2014 in relation to what my education is for...  

I honestly only kept working on my degree because I was almost there and it’s simply stupid to throw it away after going this far.  I resigned myself to being educated in a field that I loathed, where the majority of people I encountered made me pine away for days of… what? Retail management in the holiday season?  Public flogging?  I don’t think that is even painful enough to compare.  Amazingly, after all that time, something has finally happened to curb my fury, to assuage my disappointment in "the field".   

I don’t want to give names or anything… but I can say it happened in Arizona because of Arizona people and British Columbia/Alberta people.  I met person after person who made me realize that my world isn’t the same everywhere… that maybe I’m just the anti-biologist who does love the LE elements more?  It was rejuvenating… refreshing… remarkable.  If I could think of another “re” compliment, I would, trust me!  I don't want to start popping out everyone's name, but SW, KVD, DD, RO, JK, JJ, KO, TP, JC.... yah, my perception has been altered and my world enlightened!

Now I just have to figure out how to incorporate that knowledge into my real world.  Better baffled than beaten, I suppose. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Paradise Truly Lost: The Inescapable Fate of Humanity and Our Complete Lack of Concern

Paradise Truly Lost: The Inescapable Fate of Humanity and Our Complete Lack of Concern

We’re all used to the cliché of “you reap what you sow”.  In our case, as humans, we have quite literally discovered that what we reap is agriculture and technological advancement to build an incredible civilization and what we have sown is a booming human population, degraded soil, water depletion and more.  

Humans have an ironically undeniable ability to live in a state of denial.  Since the “discovery” of agriculture, we have grown as a species and now find ourselves in a state of peril.  The true poetic irony is that, as a species, we are capable of amazingly intellectual and technological feats; however, the power of human denial allows us to be more ostrich-like in our perception of the world around us.  We have undeniable proof that we are eating, drinking, breeding, and ‘advancing’ our species into oblivion.  Yet we stand fast to the proverb of “what world are we leaving for our children”?  Well, my fellow humans, we have passed the time when we look at what we are leaving behind for others to deal with and have incurred the moment when we realize we are those axiomatic children to whom the world’s fate has been left. 

I was introduced to a term recently: apocaloptimist.  This is, quite literally, the portion of our species that is looking forward to an apocalypse.  While there is no small amount of casual fun in speculating the when it will occur, where it will start, and how it will develop (ranging from asteroids from the heavens to zombies running rampant across the landscape) the facts are that it’s already begun.  At this point many people stop reading because this appears to be yet another extremist prophecy about the future.  But what if you humor me for a moment and simply continue to read on? 

We’re living in a world of conundrums, for starters.  It’s a world rife with denial-based paradox. Let us look at the indisputable facts:

  • The human species has surpassed the sustainable population based on what our planet can continue to support.
  • Non-human species are going extinct at an indescribable and incomprehensible rate.
  • Our glaciers are retreating at – in some places – a rate that is almost visible to the naked eye.
  • Our world is showing signs of massive water depletion and soil degradation. 
  • The climate is becoming erratic with higher temperature highs, lower lows, and ever-growing amazing storms. 

Now let us look at the paradox we provide:

  • We continue to breed because we, as individuals, do not have the right to tell other individuals that they do not have the right to breed even if they breeding is a huge part of the problem (talk about oxymoron for the ages?!). 
  • We nod apologetically that yet another species has been added to the “extinct” list yet bawl fitfully when our ‘technological’ advance or traditional needs may be halted to save any of those species.
  • We look at glaciers and say “well, it’s not like we haven’t had major melts before… it’s only natural”.
  • We dig deeper wells and further deplete fossil-era aquifers or export more foods or increase livestock productions which further degrade soils that already can’t sustain crops.
  • We look only at local temperatures and continue to dispute any evidence that may point to climate change and global warming…. Preferring to argue about the science rather than use that energy to look for alternate fuels. 

Again, I cite the amazing ability for humans to live in a constant state of denial.  These are “someone else’s problems”.  These are things “the normal person is incapable of changing”.  We use these crutches to continue to go about our normal day and pretend that there is nothing wrong with our world.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?  One of the biggest questions that I have is not how to right these wrongs.  It will take far greater minds than mine to meet that challenge.  The question I have is how to instill a sense of personal accountability to individuals.  How do we incite the changes that are needed?  How do we resist the urge to be hypocrites and call this “someone else’s problems”? 

Here is another interesting fact:

  • When the world hits a food shortage in the near future because of a climax of environmental and cultural factors and the epic populations of China need to be fed… it’s their problem and not ours right?  I mean, we live in one of the most fertile countries in the world, so the Americas will be fine, right?  Not exactly.  China owns a huge chunk the United States.  What I mean by that is that China, due to our economic structure and the volume of our national debt, has a large say in what we can and cannot do when it comes to our food exports.  So, when China’s food production plummets, we will be obligated to feed their burgeoning population.  My point is, we can’t keep thinking that Americans will somehow be exempt from the problems that are geographically distant from us.  The hard facts are that we are not above the future of the world.  We – one of the most egotistical civilizations the world has ever seen – will suffer the fate of the rest of the world because, more than being Americans… we are Earthlings.  We need to get a grip on reality that it is what it is.

Perhaps we need to realize that we (as a species) have, honestly, reaped what we (as individuals) will now sow.  The optimists and scientists and activists of our world continue to look for ways to fix our problems, but my question is should we? 

Between medical advances and the fact that many cultures breed even knowing they can’t provide for their young (which ironically causes more breeding to improve success rates) we have created another conundrum.  We are having more children, we are living longer, and thereby we are putting even more strain on our little biosphere to provide for us.  The humanitarian leagues feed the starving and medicate the sick; in developed countries there are emerging health care regulations and further advances providing a “long and prosperous” life for more and more people.  We do this for the good of our species, yet we do so to the detriment of our species.  Being rather unique in our emotional attachment for those we care about, we all have vested interest in keeping our parents and offspring and siblings alive.  This is human nature.  To be clear, this is my nature as well.  Yet the logical part of me screams that the selfish emotional impulses to keep my family healthy and prosperous add incremental stress to my world, to our species, and to our civilization.  Enter the term: apolcaloptimist. 

Not to stand on a corner desperately grasping a billboard, but the end is near.  It doesn’t take a doctorate to know that, if you have 1 apple, you can’t feed 2 people.  Sharing of the apple merely prolongs life momentarily and, in the end, both lose rather than just one of the two.  There will be casualties in this ecological war.  Scientists and activists wish to stop it.  Yet, perhaps luckily, the general population chooses to ignore it – further exacerbating the demise of our civilization.  So when that inevitable collapse happens, in our lifetime and not that of our children’s children, nature will fall back on what the biological world calls “natural selection”.  This, ineptly summarized, will be the survival of the fittest.  The poetic irony is that this collapse and massive die-off of our species will, to a large degree, correct the wrongs that we (all of us, as a species) have set into motion. 

The population will be decimated.
Carbon emissions will virtually cease. 
Water use will be nullified. 
Abuse of our soils for agriculture will go back to individual family-unit needs.
Non-human species will regain habitat and no longer face exploitation and abuse.

Essentially, this global collapse of the world as we know it will right the wrongs.  And if there is one thing that our planet has shown us, on a geological timescale, it is that nature will heal and reclaim what is necessary.

As an aside, survival of the fittest isn’t necessarily referring to the super strong in physique (after all, they take more to feed and use more energy) or even the most intellectual (who may often be lost to the simpler and more physically demanding and nature-savvy aspects of survival)… but to those who understand the true art of survival.  The over-zealous armed-to-the-gills extremists will have a benefit of protection.  The outdoor savvy will have the benefit of environmental manipulation. 
So the question I pose is: on a planetary scale, do I fight for what sustains our species with our current understanding of civilization?  Or is the smarter ideal actually the opposite? 

So who am I to spout these opinions?  Am I some amazing scholar who has done decades of research?  No.  Am I some intellectual giant who easily comprehends all of the data collected that supports all of the above theories?  Nope.  (For the record, before you dismiss something stating “it’s only a theory” remember that theories are the basis of the natural world as we understand it… for example, plate tectonics and such trivial things as gravity* are ‘merely a theory’.) Ok, so surely I’m some well-degreed anthropology major who understands civilizations or ecologists or environmentalist or something, right?  No.  What I am is the average girl who lives in the average community and has an average job.  I’m smart enough to realize a few things that are important here such as:

  • I am somewhat of a hypocrite when it comes to environmentalism as I don’t recycle enough, don’t drive the most fuel-efficient car (and I have a car, for that matter!), use an air conditioner, am guilty of such negligent water abuse as – say – doing dishes or laundry, etc etc etc.
  • I manage to live my ‘normal, mundane’ life without a constant sense of turmoil on the future of our planet (my own little piece of that human power of denial). 
  • I plan for the future with 401ks and the like. 
  • I virtually loathe the species that I am a part of, though I love specific members of that species.
  • Like most humans, I have a selfish, self-righteous sense of egocentric ideology. 

So what I’m saying here… is that I’m just like you.  I’m a normal “Joe”.  What I’m insinuating is that any normal Joe can actually understand the notions above.  The question that I pose to you – and to myself – is what (if anything) do we do about the current state of our biosphere?  What power do we – the simple inhabitants of our world – have over the future of it?  Are we past the point of saving anything?  The powers that we have allowed to dictate the “rules of engagement” in this “ecological war” don’t listen to us… we, as individuals, are generally not willing to make the sacrifices that we have to make.  As a species we are unwilling to put restraints on our proliferating population through ‘forced’ means.  So is it too late?  Is any effort futile?  Is our path set and undeniable?  Who has the proverbial balls to make a move?  Who has what it takes to get results? 

It’s not me.

It’s, quite likely, not you. 

For that matter, it’s not even us… because you and I make 2… and 2 against billions doesn’t really stand a chance.

So I guess it’s time to be the crazy Noah of our period of history.  Why?  Because I’m crazy? Because I’ve had a psychological break from reality?  Maybe.  I mean, the human mind is evolutionarily programmed to disregard enormous stressors that are outside of our control.  It’s a survival mechanism from the beginning of our species that allows us to completely disregard all of the horrific things that can happen on any given day and treat them with complete indifference. 

So am I nuts?  Quite the opposite, really. I‘m logical.  Because when the proverbial brown-and-stinky hits the oscillating mechanism, I don’t want to be one of the billions who perish.  Why? Because I’m egotistical and self-centered just like most of the rest of my species… I thought we already covered that?  

*Just to make sure we’re clear, Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation describes how “Every point mass attracts every single point mass by a force pointing along the line intersecting both points. The force is directly proportional to the product of the two masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the point masses." That will let us calculate the gravitational pull between the Earth and you, the sun and Mars, etc…  but it does not tell us why it happens.  The why it happens is a different story, and for that it’s actually likely more accurate to use Einstein’s General Relativity theory. 


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Hazardous Road Conditions Ahead

There’s a song from a couple decades ago that says “life is a highway”. Quite catchy, back in the day; but today, as I hit one of those proverbial ‘milestone’ birthdays, I can’t help but recognize the truth behind that simple statement. Birthdays are made just for this, to provide a moment of reflection on where life has been, where you are now, and what may lie ahead on this road we all travel. The relevance between age and a highway is sort of like the mile markers that we pass with some regularity as we travel. The number on the sign – or in this case, the number of your age – is a simple means of tracking the distance that we’ve traveled. It doesn’t tell us anything about the construction zones we’ve dealt with or sometimes had to detour around, the accidents that either caused us pause or (hopefully with far less frequency) been involved in. The mile markers don’t tell us what exit ramps we’ve passed, the forks that we’ve chosen, and they most certainly don’t say anything about the things we have seen. The journey – whether on a road or through our lives – is about the things that we have seen, the experiences that have occurred, the conversations we have had along the way. When people say that age is only of mild relevance, this is why that logic prevails. A mile marker only tells you where you are at the moment; it explains nothing about what came before it, what comes after it. There is no “counting down” to where the highway ends because, in all honesty, it never really does. Sure, I may take an exit before someone else; while the mile markers may all tell us how far we have travelled, they say nothing about the distance remaining.

PS - thanks to everyone who wished me a happy 40th!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Cut like a knife...


Seemingly innocuous waves of sound that travel in and on the air. 

Light as the air itself and invisible to the eye … but in distinct contrast to the light air that carries them, words can be some of the heaviest things to bear.  I spent some time this morning talking to a friend about how badly words can mar a relationship and scar your emotional well-being… about how a moment of misdirected anger can forever alter the landscape of a relationship. 

Is it wrong that an apology can’t be accepted and then the hurt is just …erased? 

Is it wrong to think we can apologize and it erases the hurt?

I’m not sure. 

What I do know is that misdirected words of anger or stress or hurt are wounding – sometimes mortally so, in a proverbial sense – because they breach (and can destroy) a fragile sense of safety we have in our relationships.  I say fragile because, even in the strongest of relationships, the trust we instill in someone can be quite easily broken and devastated beyond repair.  We can patch things… we can apply salves and band-aids…  but a scar always remains and it never completely heals. 

A sliver of doubt...

...of mistrust...

...of hurt everpresent to remind you that once you were an emotional whipping post...

...once you were kicked just because you were an easy target...

...that once you were lashed out on for no other reason than "you were there".

How do you accept an apology that is give so far after the fact? How when, prior to the apology, you were beaten down further by misconstrued facts, things taken out of context, and flat out insults simply to bolster the fact that you obviously deserve the abuse?

So which is the more selfish mentality… the offending party being upset we can’t simply accept an apology and forget the event?  …or the offended party who can’t seem to forget?  I’m not sure.  I know that I strive to not be the former; however, that doesn’t seem to negate the fact that I am the latter.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Save a Shelter Dog... maybe save a little more than you expected :) Nic

Save shelter dogs.  I promise, the joy of knowing you saved their life adds to the experience of being the human of a Dog.

...whomever said "diamonds are a girls' best friend" never met me and my dogs.  ~Nic.

Bandit McKaye - Anatolian Shepherd c/o a mutual effort from Tennessee's Big Fluffy Dog Rescue and National Anatolian Shepherd Rescue Network... Saved from death in February 2011.   Support shelter dogs and those who offer amnesty to the ones on death row.

Monday, November 11, 2013

A New Appreciation of Veteran's Day

I have always been a Patriot. When I was a little girl, I chose the New England Patriots as my favorite team simply because I like anything that symbolizes patriotism. My great grandfather was a veteran of WWI. My grandfather a veteran of WWII. My uncle a veteran of Vietnam. My dad is retired Air National Guard. My uncle is retired US Navy. My cousin is active Navy. I come from a long line of patriots and my love of my country and the foundations that we were built on (regardless of how skewed they have become) runs very deeply, indeed. Its why I volunteered to try to bring smiles to Wounded Warriors at the recent event I blogged about. You know, I was supposed to go in the Army... was enlisted but became pregnant a couple months prior to basic training with my son, Dakota.

Now, 21 years later, I have a new appreciation for Veteran's Day... while I missed my opportunity to serve my country because I got pregnant with my son, this year I include my son in those thanks. Where I stumbled, he has stood tall. My pride in my son's commitment and accomplishment greatly outweigh my fears and longing to see him. My son... the submariner.

Nicotye and her Son, Kota
When I post my "thank you" to vets and current military staff on social media, I have a deeper appreciation for the words I say. Too often we regurgitate sentiments from habit, no longer feeling the depth and appreciation for what the words mean. How often do you hang up a phone and, just prior to, say "I love you" as more of a closing statement than a deep and emotional sentiment? How often have I said "Happy Thanksgiving - I am thankful for my family and friends" without taking the time to really feel that appreciation? I admit that I have, in the past, often said (on Veteran's Day or anytime I see military personnel walking through an airport or something) "Thank you for your service" without really taking a moment to feel the depth of their commitment and the sacrifice that they have undertaken to benefit America.

So today, being my first Veteran's Day where I honor all of my relatives who have served, the military persons I may not ever know, and my son... today I feel the appropriate amount of gratitude and sacrifice and commitment and pride that I should always feel when I thank someone for their service. If the only sacrifice I can give to my country is through the geographic distance and frequent lapses in communication that I now have by supporting my son's decision to serve is the hardest sacrifice I have to make, I will take that sacrifice willingly over and over again...

...being a Patriot doesn't mean sitting on my laurels and taking solace in the fact that I know my Pledge and my Anthem and respect my colors... being a Patriot means you have the bravery to give what others may not be willing to give. If I could be there with my son, I would be. If I am ever needed, I will go (regardless that I'm "too old")... and no matter how I feel about whatever political environment that may be around, I will ALWAYS be a Patriot.