Saturday, February 13, 2016

If Spock Were More Blunt.

I've been told that I have a Spock-like ability to turn off my emotions. Some long-time friends say that I appear to be a "black widow but, secretly I'm a delicate butterfly". I think that may be closer to the truth than any other analogy. I compartmentalize... I have emotions but they are buried pretty deep - likely partly due to defense mechanisms - and I am not comfortable with emotions (mine or anyone else's).

The problem is that I've been broken and I developed into the person I am as a broken object. Yes.  Object.  So, I don't mean broken like "oh he broke up with me and my wee little heart hurts"... I mean broken like "fuck it all and I can't tell you how little of a rat's ass I give about me, you, or anything else" even if I didn't realize it was happening at that time. Sadly, I had the broken moment many, many moons ago. In the following 35 years or so I grew up. From time to time, I would meet someone that would make me want to feel. When that happened - when I met someone I wanted to feel for - my dumb ass (who is emotionally stunted from lack of emotional development) would dive in head first, arms and legs going as fast as they could to get from the shore of "unemotion" to the gorgeous beach of "love/feelings" on the other side. I realize that, logically, this may freak people out (I believe that 'normally emotional people' have some ability to pace themselves with relationship-based feelings) or that I took that plunge before I objectively analyzed the probable outcomes. It's with no small sense of irony that I began to understand my early-adopted trait was sort of self-destructive...

...not in the "emotions are healthy and one should learn to express and cope with them way".

No, quite the opposite.  The self-destructive aspects don't come from a lack of emotion, they come from those times when I try to actually have normal emotions.  I'm not built for it.  I don't know how to use them, how to moderate them, or when they are beneficial.  As a result, I find myself in situations where I've told myself it's acceptable to feel only to find out I willingly put myself in a dangerous place

I have learned the extent of my ability over the past couple of years - and I'd say that extent is scary to the average person.  The question is, now that I've realized that and understand the implications of both my own prior self-destructive willingness to allow emotions and the extent of my ability to flip the switch and turn emotions off... what do I do?  I believe this decision will have long-term and very widespread ramifications.

But perhaps an equally important question is: logically, it is a good idea to decide what to do when I'm in a "switch is currently in off position" mindset?  I'm trying to remain objective - to not let the "off" persuade or lull my objectivity - but this is difficult.  I've tried to care over the past decade and understanding that "people will always hurt you or let you down" is as solid a truth as "the only things that are certain are death and taxation".  Actually, it may be as solid as the laws of thermodynamics.  Knowing that doesn't make objectivity easy because it negates the desire to place value on the 'good feelings'.  It influences the predilection to identify that 'good feelings' are just as temporary as any other type of feelings... so giving value to 'good feelings' means I must also give value to neutrality and negativity and - the biggest bastard of them all - pain.

Yeah, there's logic for ya: throw weights on those and tell me what the objective smart choice is... I bet you'll come to the same conclusion that I'm coming to.

(I should likely note here that pets are immune to this ability by choice - I will allow emotion with my chosen because they are - other than when they die - incapable of hurting me emotionally.) 

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Once upon a time in a land far, far away...

Ever get to the point where you just don't care about things anymore?  Where you throw your hands into the air, drop a few F-bombs, and make a conscious decision to walk away?  I've been at that point since July 2014 in relation to what my education is for...  

I honestly only kept working on my degree because I was almost there and it’s simply stupid to throw it away after going this far.  I resigned myself to being educated in a field that I loathed, where the majority of people I encountered made me pine away for days of… what? Retail management in the holiday season?  Public flogging?  I don’t think that is even painful enough to compare.  Amazingly, after all that time, something has finally happened to curb my fury, to assuage my disappointment in "the field".   

I don’t want to give names or anything… but I can say it happened in Arizona because of Arizona people and British Columbia/Alberta people.  I met person after person who made me realize that my world isn’t the same everywhere… that maybe I’m just the anti-biologist who does love the LE elements more?  It was rejuvenating… refreshing… remarkable.  If I could think of another “re” compliment, I would, trust me!  I don't want to start popping out everyone's name, but SW, KVD, DD, RO, JK, JJ, KO, TP, JC.... yah, my perception has been altered and my world enlightened!

Now I just have to figure out how to incorporate that knowledge into my real world.  Better baffled than beaten, I suppose.